i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
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I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
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He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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