I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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