hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
