How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
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I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
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turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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