girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
