i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
