Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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