You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
