i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
