i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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