Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
