she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
