even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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