Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
