Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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