you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer