my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
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In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.