We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize