I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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