your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize