Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
