I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
