I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she pinky promised me she was 18
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
