Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
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his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
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I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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