Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
