but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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