I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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