Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
