I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
