Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
