It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
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He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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