Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
