I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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