Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
