I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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