I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
