i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
