after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
