when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
