Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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