Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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