dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
