the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
