Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
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he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
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I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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