i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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