I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
