in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
