2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
