i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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