I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
