I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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