He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize