she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
either way he was missing a nipple.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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