the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
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It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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