Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
