I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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