how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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