I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
